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About Literature / Hobbyist Jay E HainesMale/United States Recent Activity
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To Build a Home - Coloured Version by AlessiaPelonzi

The attention the detail is fantastic. You really captured the rundown and somber nature of what you were trying to convey. The pitch b...

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(Contains: ideologically sensitive material)
36 Questions

Do you remember?

What?

What it felt like?

What what felt like?

To live?

But I am living.

To not just be the person riding in your body, viewing your life through devices used for sight?

… No…

To gaze around your world with wide eyes?

No.

To have a seemingly permanent smile?

No.

To not just hear the constant noise?

No.

To hear a new song and feel chills run down your spine for the sheer brilliance of every note, every cord, every verse?

No.

To listen to the sounds of life?

No.

To listen to the silence of snowfall or the rhythm of rain?

No.

To not just eat to survive or avoid it at all costs to fit into everything?

No.

To taste an explosion of flavors and revel in each delicious one?

No.

To not just smell smoke or fumes or charred food or blood, and ignore them all?

No.

To breathe in the aromas of cooking meat and warm chocolate and baked bread, fresh flowers and cut grass and cool salt water?

No.

To not just feel burns on your arms and fingertips, or your own body’s rebellion?

No.

To feel a lover’s soft hair, or an all-encompassing embrace from true friends, or a cooling breeze?

No.

To have adrenaline running through your veins?

No.

To lack breath, not from a disease or malice, but from laughing until no more sound will come, or a kiss that makes it impossible, or a sight that takes it away?

No.

To smile so bright it could power whole countries?

No.

To be connected to every touch, every sight, every sound?

No.

To love without abandon and as if you have never felt true pain?

No.

To live each day excited to wake up and anxious to sleep, only to seek the new opportunities of the next?

No.

To wake up to sunlight streaming through the windows and feel its warmth?

No.

To know the love of your parents, the protection of your siblings, and the comfort of your friends?

No.

To hope for what may come?

No.

To have faith in the world and marvel at its wonders?

No.

To love another as if you have always known how and never truly got the chance?

No.

To feel anticipation and excitement?

No.

To feel your stomach dropping, not from dread or fear, but from the thrill of a roller coaster or the sheer amazement of a return of affection?

No.

To approach hospital doors not to watch loved ones leave us, or to hear news we’re terrified of?

No.

To see a new life come into the world, or a stranger take their first few steps again after having lost all hope they ever would?

No.

To lift a child into the air and give to them the gift of flight, even if it’s only for a few moments?

No.

To dream as if you will live for a thousand years, and even the wildest ones seeming almost possible?

No.

To not just be surviving?

No.

Me neither.

So when did we become so… numb?

Maybe when we looked at the world through those wide eyes and saw things that made us want to slam them shut.

Maybe when that bright smile began to yellow and we had our teeth kicked in too many times.

Maybe when that constant noise became gunshots and cannon fire.

Maybe when the chills down our spines became the feeling of being in someone else’s cross-hairs.

Maybe when the sounds of life became the screeching of brakes and the twisting of metal, and screams of all of those we couldn’t save and the hatred of those who didn’t know us from the rocks they threw at our houses and cars.

Maybe when the snowfall turns black and yellow from dirt and piss and the rain became acid.

Maybe when eating for survival wasn’t even a good enough reason, if it meant others would call us beautiful.

Maybe when those flavors became blood and vomit and venom and our words.

Maybe when that smoke was people and those fumes were flammable and that charred food was all we had left and that blood is ours.

Maybe when we realized ignoring them is what it takes to survive.

Maybe when the cooking meat was human and the chocolate was a melted Hershey bar and the bread was molded.

Maybe when the flowers were dying and the grass was filled with bugs and chemicals and the salt water was determined to kill us.

Maybe when those burns and rebellions were self-inflicted and the pain is what makes us feel.

Maybe when we woke up to find it a dream and our arms were empty and cold and the breeze is tearing our home apart.

Maybe when that adrenaline pumped as we ran for our lives.

Maybe when that breath was our last.

Maybe when that smile actually meant ‘use me and abuse me and make me hate me’.

Maybe when those connections became burdens others threw at you because they didn’t want them.

Maybe when that love was lost and used until it broke.

Maybe when the next day held the same as the last, and waking up meant facing a world we didn’t want to see again.

Maybe when that sunlight was blinding and it hurt and caused disease and burned.

Maybe when our parents became our enemies and our siblings left us behind and our friends ripped off pieces of us they didn’t personally like.

Maybe when hope made us naive and we were used and thrown away.

Maybe when people began to kill for their faith and the marvels became their weapons.

Maybe when we forgot how to love.

Maybe when that anticipation became anxiety and made us sick inside and excitement became looked down on and childish.

Maybe when that dread became reality and the fear was proved right, and that roller coaster killed a little boy and the affections were unrequited or could be manipulated.

Maybe when those loved ones were all we had and the news meant we would be alone again.

Maybe when that new life died three weeks later in its sleep and the coffin was so small.

Maybe when they fell trying.

Maybe when the child cried, or we lost our grip, or we weren’t strong enough.

Maybe when we woke up and realized we only had a few decades.

Maybe when even surviving became impossible.


So when did we become so… numb?

Maybe when we realized numbness hurt less.
Remember Two
A poem on isolation, depression, PTSD and inner demons.

Part Two of Remember. 

Part One: kradamluv918.deviantart.com/ar…

Part Three: TBC
Loading...
Okay, so I want to get something out that I can't put on Facebook.

I've kind of developed this crush on a guy I used to go to high school with. I always thought he was nice then I found out he had a girlfriend who was kind of a bitch so I ignored him and only talked to him a handful of times. I was in JROTC and I sat next to him at our end-of-the-year awards banquet junior year and was laughing and getting along with him pretty well then, but only had small conversations with him the rest of the year, and none over the summer (to be honest he didn't even cross my mind).

Now senior year rolls around. He's still with the chick. There were even fewer conversations between me and him, but I notice more arguments between them. My crush on him didn't even occur to me due to all the bullshit and drama I'd been going through. We graduated, and yeah, I noticed he was good looking, but I wasn't really that interested.

Now I used to work at a grocery store. He came in one time last summer/fall and I found out he had broken up with the girl he was dating. He was being really nice and smiling and laughing a lot so I flirted a little and he seemed to flirt back. I'm pretty sure I mentioned something about hanging out and he said it was a good idea, but we never did. I've only attempted to talk to him once since then, and that was a message on Facebook the day before New Year's and he never answered.

Now I've seen him post all this stuff about how he's single and he hates it and how he's only single because he treats girls well and women only want the assholes. I liked some of the stuff he posts and commented on a post he made about compliments and what counts as one and what doesn't, and hinted at what I think is a compliment. No reaction from him again.

I don't know why I have this crush, it's really illogical but he's always been nice, so I want to take the risk. His name is Nicholas P., but he goes by Nick. He's really cool, has tattoos (which I love on men) and he's attractive. He's one of the few people my age I've found attractive. I don't know how to approach it though. I think I'll try talking to him on Facebook again and see if he answers.

Wish me luck!
  • Mood: Bewildered
  • Listening to: Mumford & Sons - Below My Feet
  • Watching: Buzzfeed videos
  • Playing: Solitare
  • Eating: Carrots
  • Drinking: Mountain Dew
35 Questions

Do you remember?

What it felt like?

To live?

To not just be the person riding in your body, viewing your life through devices used for sight?

To gaze around your world with wide eyes?

To have a seemingly permanent smile?

To not just hear the constant noise?

To hear a new song and feel chills run down your spine for the sheer brilliance of every note,
every cord, every verse?

To listen to the sounds of life?

To listen to the silence of snowfall or the rhythm of rain?

To not just eat to survive or avoid it at all costs to fit into everything?

To taste an explosion of flavors and revel in each delicious one?

To not just smell smoke or fumes or charred food or blood, and ignore them all?

To breathe in the aromas of cooking meat and warm chocolate and baked bread, fresh flowers and cut grass and cool salt water?

To not just feel burns on your arms and fingertips, or your own body’s rebellion?

To feel a lover’s soft hair, or an all-encompassing embrace from true friends, or a cooling breeze?

To have adrenaline running through your veins?

To lack breath, not from a disease or malice, but from laughing until no more sound will come, or a
kiss that makes it impossible, or a sight that takes it away?

To smile so bright it could power whole countries?

To be connected to every touch, every sight, every sound?

To love without abandon and as if you have never felt true pain?

To live each day excited to wake up and anxious to sleep, only to seek the new opportunities of the next?

To wake up to sunlight streaming through the windows and feel its warmth?

To know the love of your parents, the protection of your siblings, and the comfort of your friends?

To hope for what may come?

To have faith in the world and marvel at its wonders?

To love another as if you have always known how and never truly got the chance?

To feel anticipation and excitement?

To feel your stomach dropping, not from dread or fear, but from the thrill of a roller coaster or the sheer amazement of a return of affection?

To approach hospital doors not to watch loved ones leave us, or to hear news we’re terrified of?

To see a new life come into the world, or a stranger take their first few steps again after having lost all hope they ever would?

To lift a child into the air and give to them the gift of flight, even if it’s only for a few moments?

To dream as if you will live for a thousand years, and even the wildest ones seeming almost possible?

To not just be surviving?

Me neither.

So when did we become so… numb?
Remember One
I'm sick of how numb I feel when faced with things that would normally have excited me. So I wrote about it.
Loading...
Bruce was running. Lungs working at full capacity, he sprinted through the gates and slammed them shut, praying to a god, any god they would hold it back. He spied a mausoleum further inside the graveyard and made a break for it, sweat dripping from his forehead as he panted. No, dammit, no running out of energy now! he yelled at his brain, the silence still unnerving when he spent years listening to the grumbles and grunts and roars of the Other Guy. His muscles ached and screamed at him in pain.

The sound of metal being torn apart assaulted his ears. Downright terror drove him as he bolted for the building, diving through the doors and slamming them shut, barring them with a wooden beam. He backed up against the wall, wide eyes glued to the steel doors as they shook and wobbled under the Beast’s fists.

Images played through his mind. Tony bleeding out on the floor, Clint feeling the walls blindly for his friends, Steve grabbing broken pieces of his shield and staring at them in fear, Thor attempting so desperately to call Mjolnir to him, Natasha disappearing in a swirling mass of golden mist… Natasha…

He trembled in abject fear as the doors bent further and further, the hinges straining as the behemoth pounded at them.

She was almost through.

He should have never made that deal.
Hello people of DeviantArt! I've been away for a long ass time, like three years. So I'm cleaning up a lot of stuff and making this more... grown up, I guess? My attitude and likes have changed so I'm reflecting accordingly.

So Take 2. Let's go.
  • Mood: Eager
  • Listening to: The Piano Guys - All of Me
  • Reading: Winterheart
  • Playing: Super Smash Bros.
  • Eating: Green Apple
  • Drinking: Diet Pepsi

deviantID

kradamluv918's Profile Picture
kradamluv918
Jay E Haines
Artist | Hobbyist | Literature
United States
I change. My thoughts change. My tastes in people change. Looks matter less. Being a good person matters more. They have to be intelligent, curious, have a quick wit and a quicker tongue, a thick skin and the need to GO. To travel, to see the world and cover the Earth in your footprints, to meet people and experience what you never thought you would, to connect on a level that astounds you. But you have to be able to keep up. and a good sense of humor. Older, smarter, more confident.

Because I want an adventure. I never intend for my life to be dull, normal, and boring. I want to run, to jump, to soar! Because right now I am so very, very low. But I will fly and climb SO. MUCH. HIGHER.

So sit back, and watch me go. Because you're in for one hell of a show.

www.thatssotrue.com/view/Fangi…

:iconangelwingleftplz: I BELIEVE IN ANGELS :iconangelwingrightplz:

Current Residence: New Jersey but London-bound
deviantWEAR sizing preference: 2XL
Favourite genre of music: Rock, Classical, Metal
Favourite photographer: Julie Urtz
Favourite style of art: Writing and music
Operating System: Windows 7, laptop
MP3 player of choice: Spotify
Favourite cartoon characters: The Joker and Harley Quinn
Personal Quote: "Dreams are never silly. Depend on them to guide you."
Interests

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:iconthefemaledoctor1073:
TheFemaleDoctor1073 Featured By Owner Jun 19, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks for the fave :3
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:iconkradamluv918:
kradamluv918 Featured By Owner Jun 26, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
No problem!
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:iconyuki-almasy:
Yuki-Almasy Featured By Owner Jun 17, 2015  Student General Artist

Thanks a million for the :+fav:'s!!!:heart:

I'm really happy that you like the pictures, that means a lot to me!!!:huggle::heart:

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:iconkradamluv918:
kradamluv918 Featured By Owner Jun 19, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
No problemo!
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:icongrumbles87:
grumbles87 Featured By Owner Jun 13, 2015  Professional Digital Artist
:iconthxfavplz:
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:iconkradamluv918:
kradamluv918 Featured By Owner Jun 13, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
No problemo, amigo!
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:iconsilverthewolf22:
Silverthewolf22 Featured By Owner Jun 13, 2015  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Thanks for the fav on It's Getting Late. I'm working super hard for it to be a pleasing story. I hope you get the chance to read it.
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:iconkradamluv918:
kradamluv918 Featured By Owner Jun 13, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
No problem. And me too!
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:iconsilverthewolf22:
Silverthewolf22 Featured By Owner Jun 13, 2015  Hobbyist Digital Artist
That's awesome!
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:iconthefemaledoctor1073:
TheFemaleDoctor1073 Featured By Owner May 24, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks for the fave :3
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