I stood in front of them all. 18, about to ship out. Another chapter, they called it. A new start. The Navy. ‘It’s in our blood,’ they say.
And they asked me, “What do you wish for?”
And I stood in silence, and I thought for a moment.
What do I wish?
I wish the world had been kinder.
I wish they hadn’t seen it fit to take you from me.
I wish the life I lived and the scars I bear didn’t require lies to seem normal.
I wish the metal in my leg and the water in my eyes and the ice in my heart didn’t require losing you for the truth to be seen.
I wish to be by your side, raising your little boy, your shining star with you.
I wish to laugh by your side, cry in your arms, plan with your mind and bond with your heart.
I wish for more time.
I wish to hear your thoughts and shelter you from your fears, to tantalise your imagination and inspire your courage.
I wish for a second chance very much undeserved.
I wish to turn back the hands of time and tell you the truth in my own time.
I wish for my apology and the truth in my words to be enough.
I wish to grow old with you.
I wish the chance to be your “Harley Quinn” again, my dear Joker.
I wish to stay up night after night, talking and listening to your voice until the sun peeks its lovely eyes just over the horizon.
I wish to tell you “I love you” and you know I mean it.
I wish to take chances and love every second I can spend with you.
I wish to see you again.
I wish to wake up every morning with you by my side.
I wish to make love to you, just like you said you wished it too, once upon a time.
I wish for you to be mine again.
I wish to see your smile again, and know I was the cause.
I wish to see that little boy smile and laugh, not a care in the world in those trickery-filled eyes.
I wish to never say goodbye to you.
I wish I hadn’t hurt your family so.
I wish to feel my heart burst with joy at seeing you again, rather than sink with sorrow, guilt and hatred of the monster I’ve become.
I wish to see you look upon me again as the one you love with all your heart, rather than the one who tore it from your chest.
I wish to earn your trust again.
I wish to feel your love surround me and protect me from the demons, even those inside my head.
I love you. I wish that was enough.
I wished all of this. And because of what I’ve done, the mistakes I made and the scars I reopened… I wished it alone.
So I stood there, in front of them all, as they asked me what I wished for. And I smiled a little smirk, exhausted and fake.
“To come back safe,” I answered. They smiled and clapped, yelled of valor and courage.
But I never felt so small. Barely 18. You are 32. Born October 11, 1982.
I wished to come back home. So maybe one day, I could see your smile, even for a moment. And maybe, just maybe, I’ll get to be yours again. Maybe I’ll see that chance before my dying breath.
Until then… I guess I’ll keep on wishing.
J D C